Merry Christmas!

I don't really have anything to say. I just wanted to update. Ha.

Stressin' hardcore.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=989044&songID=8055750

I know this song is a few months old, but I’m playing it and dedicating it to my brothers serving overseas during this season of thanks giving. I know you guys are missing your families and want to get away from there and back home. Be safe and keep your head down. Thanks for serving. I’ll be joining you guys soon.

Let the dreamer wake but keep faith in a plan that can bring forth hope to happiness in reality and not just a mind state.

I'm trying to write this song but it's too positive for me to annotate,
Rather I'm consumed by my thoughts of evil as any goodness inside deteriorates,
My mind's muddled, ruined by the rain that pours down on my dome,
I can only write how I feel, now, the depression that exists in my soul.

My mind wanders...I feel a mixture of emotions as I reminisce about past times while analyzing the present, and imagining the future. Pain, sadness, confusion - these seem to dominate my feelings as hope, happiness, and thoughts of perseverance seem to dwindle away in comparison.

I have all of these thoughts screaming out at me, and feel as though there is no one to listen. I want to scream to, but to whom? I don't know what's wrong with me, but feel that there is something wrong. I haven't been able to sleep for 3 weeks.

Time moves on, people move on, why am I seemingly standing still? I've been getting all these weird thoughts and feelings at night...the loneliness creeps up on me. I wonder how people can remain sane in solitary confinement.

Random thoughts...

I feel like I can't even write anymore. I don't know why. I haven't written since "Far From Here" and can't seem to get the pen flowing.

I keep meeting new people and fall into the same cycle. I need to stop this. It's not helpful and I can't let myself keep faltering in my steps to move forward.

I'm having difficulty...

These days I often lose sight of what's important. I let my trivial issues consume me when I know it's more important to look after others. Maybe I wish someone would look after me, as selfish as that sounds. On that note, I feel very detached from people lately. I can see the drift starting to divide. Mmm...

Far from here, I can see the drift starting to divide - a fine line,
Linear, it keeps moving forward, far away from me, though, like time,
So I write a rhyme to encapsulate a single moment in my life,
A notion, a thought; mask its' fate and make it linger so it can be all mine,
But it goes, it fades, dissipates, yet, still it exists in a memory,
Only to be forgotten and replaced by new information received from the sensory,
People tellin' me it's fate, it's way too late, just let it go,
Encased by glass ceilings that flames of hate were used to create, stuck on a plateau,
Is this the way? Writing and wandering aimlessly like a nomad,
Caught up with trivial thoughts of things that I can't and don't have,
Is anyone listening? My body rots and my brain is so trapped,
The pain stiffening my cloudy thoughts, rain drops as tears go splash,
It's insane, the lightning, it hits the plain, the road's thrashed,
Somewhat frightening, though, who's to blame, the inclement forecast?
No, the mirror looks back, and sees the empty void inside,
"Run and hide, run and hide" said simply by that voice of mine,
Is it really me, though? It's hard to say, I cannot tell it now,
Sounds bounce all around and get doused in evil and words scream out loud,
But writing cannot make any change if being right does not make cents,
Still I flow against the grain or even the green and wonder what's left.


A random write.

I feel very lonely...

"Just let go, this is how it has to be/
Dreams are only dreams, and that's the harsh reality/

Been working so hard that I've burned up all my calories/
Batteries are low while I figure out my strategy/

While I try to hide all the doubt that circles in my mind/
Put on a fake smile, tell [everybody] that it's fine/

But in honesty, I'm tired, growing sick of the grind/
'Cause it's so repetitive - it's like I'm living in rewind/"

"However far away, I will always love you,
However long I stay, I will always love,
I will always love you. Lowridin', low-lowridin'"

So I bought this GPS watch the other day, and then yesterday I saw it somewhere else for $10 less. sigh.

"Sometimes you got to just close your eyes and have some faith"

"I got a love that's better than/
You ever was, you've never been//
No good for me, I guess I was/
Just way too hood for you to be with//"

"I feel strange; I got so use to the hood/
That when I finally got out, at first, it ain’t feel good//
I was just a baby, still retarded from slavery/
When we struggle to shovel shit, ain’t nobody saved me//
Ghetto ain’t made me, I made myself/
Poverty raised me, thinking ain’t no help//"

"Let the lights fade - let the dreamer wake/

Reality is now and the world can wait//

Let the lights fade - let the dreamer wake/

Reality is now//

Let the lights fade - let the dreamer wake/

So I'll wait for as long as it takes//

And if I break; if I fall, all in all it's the dreamers fate/

So let me dream 'till I'm in my place, let the dreamer wake//"

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=989044

Izre-ill

Why this name?

Izre-ill, pronounced "Israel," has a few meanings for me.

First, "Israel" was the name given to Jacob after he had wrestled with God in Genesis. He struggled, prevailed, and was blessed. Before the choosing of this name, I was struggling greatly with my faith, and I guess you could say I "fought" with God. But in the end, I drove on and have been blessed by God now that I am back in His presence. In a sense, the changing of my name from J-Dragonz to Izre-ill marks the new start I have with Christ.

Second, "Israel" was the name given by God to God's chosen. God has chosen me in various ways to do different things, and I feel that pursuing music and using it to spread His Gospel is one of these.

Third, the play on the name "Israel," "Iz re-ill,", meaning "Is ill again" marks my rebirth and re-entrance into this rap game after taking a four year hiatus from the hip-hop scene. It is also a play on being "born-again" in reference to Christianity, as I touched on in the first point.

Craziest Dream

Wow, I had the craziest dream, seriously. I have a good friend of mine in active duty in Korea whom I haven't seen in like a year, or talked to in like 6 months, and I have no idea why he was the subject of my dream, but it was insane.

He wanted to be a kid again, or something, and so he decided to take these drugs that would alter his state of mind, perhaps erasing memories and the like, so that he could be a kid again. But the drugs were never tested and extremely dangerous, so everyone was fearful of his death. All of his friends gathered and we partied one last time and then he took the drugs and we all just waited to see what would happen. It was really sad because he was all passed out and no one knew if he was going to ever wake up.

And then I woke up.

Super freaking weird.

Life

Life sure does get lonely sometimes.

The Ex

Wow. I'm actually surprised at the e-mail that I received. I just wanted to be friends and didn't expect that at all. In fact, it didn't even seem like her. I guess she has changed a lot over the past year and half. I guess I was rather naive to think that we could be good friends because we were together for so long.

Mmmm.

Pissed

My carelessness has cost me $15,000. Wow. I'm pretty pissed right now.

Six Flags...

I went to Six Flag's Magic Mountain today with some of my close friends. I haven't gone in almost five years - not since high school key club. It definitely brought back some memories - feelings of nostalgia.

I recall my last time, which was also my first time, there, and I remember it well, because it was the last time I saw Jenn before she was murdered. I remember we met up towards the end of the trip and she jumped on me because she was so excited to see me. I can't believe it's already been five years, or near that, since all of that had happened. I remember so clearly - so very clearly.

Rest in peace Jenn.

I always loved how in this picture, our mutual friend was holding on to her because he liked her, but I recall her trying to pull away and hold on to me. Haha. Jenn, you dork.

A new blog is born...

This is all for you, Cynthia and Gaby. Hah.